Carson is 2

When I was early in my first marriage, I thought to myself "4 children is what I want." Then shortly after Cecelia was born, my marriage started to unravel and any thoughts about future children quickly became zero priority.

I began my new life, pursuing the man I should have married in the first place. Funny story though. The very things that made my first marriage fail were still with me. I thought getting divorced was hard. As it turns out, living with myself was harder. I had some work to do.

Through much self-examination and perseverance, we got married and had two more baby girls. Life looked like it was turning out okay. I looked back at my young and optimistic dream as if it could be come a reality. But as much as I had the yearnings for a fourth child and believed that I was meant to be the mother of a large family, I knew we were done with children. I knew he was done with children. Four children? That's just crazy.

And then the miscarriage happened. It was an accidental pregnancy. I knew that the DH would be in shock that we were pregnant at all. We took all the proper precautions. A fourth child was not on the radar. We were supposed to be done with children. I had resigned myself to be less than the mother I had hoped to be. 

Throughout the period of what I suspected was a miscarriage in the works, I scoured the internet to find out what was happening and had doctor appointments to see what they recommended. The doctors gave some options for hormone shots and pills, and some homeopathic remedies. I can only imagine the world in which they live and work. Every day, they have a patient (or four) trying to save a failing pregnancy. I'm not that person. Believing that there is a reason for miscarriage, I sought information not to save the baby, but rather to confirm what I already believed. There was something wrong and I should let this go. As much as I wanted a fourth child, this was beyond my desire and my ability to save.

I mourned and cried for days, not just for the loss of life, but for the loss of trust in my marriage. Something that I tried so valiantly to build and maintain was once again shaken. Not only was I losing my fourth child, I lost the trust in my forever partner.

Another funny story. God has a bigger plan. One night, at the then 3-year old Ella's curriculum night at her school, Miss Sakeena (I'll never forget her name) lightly teased us about having another baby. Miss Sakeena had been the teacher for both Eva and Ella in the 3 year old class.

"You have good genes!" she kept saying.

We laughed it off, thanking her for the kind words, simply interpreting it as "we haven't completely screwed up our kids yet."

After the curriculum night, on the way home, DH started talking. And talking. And I let him talk.

"Kids cost so much money."
"In two years, we'll be done with daycare payments and that will be huge."
"If we have a baby now, I'll be almost 60 when he graduates from high school."
"I want a boy. But what if it's another girl?"
"Have you thought about all of this?"

He knew where I stood. He knew what I wanted. I simply remained silent, nodding occasionalIy. I let him talk. I let him talk himself right into the fate that I knew was ours. Despite every valid and sensible reason not to have another child, we chose this one. 

And now he's 2. Happy birthday, sweet Carson. You are everything we wanted, and more.

 A little homage to the glory days of Atlantic City.

A little homage to the glory days of Atlantic City.